Holiday $%*^&@# Fruitcake

submitted by Renee Baker, Media, PA

With the holidays coming, here's a fruitcake recipe that will help take the
stress out of this normally stressful time:

Ingredients:

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
3 oz lemon juice
1 cup nuts
1 gallon Smirnoffs Vodka

First, sample the vodka to check for freshness.
Take a large bowl.
Check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality. You know we
cannot trust those Russians.
Pour 1 level cup of the vodka and drink it. Repeat.
Repeat again.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
water, eggs and 1 tsp sugar and beat again. Make surr the vodka is still OK.
Cry another tup.
Turn off mixers.
Chuck in the cup of dried fruit or something.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets struck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewsciver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsistancity.
Next, sniff two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the vodka.
Now sniff the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table spoon of sugar or something. Whatever.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Whip the bowl out the window.
Check the vodka again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes $%^&*! fruitcake anyway?

Kids Korner

Q: Why did the breakfast chef go to jail?
A: Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream!
-submitted by Styles, age 31

Q: Why did the boy throw margarine out the window?
A: Because he wanted to see the butter fly!
-submitted by Rory, age 11